An irrelevent look at life, ah yep, as well as slagging off the establishment.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Birthday Blues

It's my sister's birthday today, and I feel really depressed. It is something that I have been battling, for the last eight years, pretty much from my GCSEs at school. It began at a very difficult time for me personally, my parents were in the middle of splitting up, and in turn that got me and my sister involved. My sister was at home while I was at boarding school, so having to hear them bickering down the phone and worse, when speaking to them would be awful, at the best of times.
Being an depressive is not fun. When I first suffered from it, during the build-up to my exams, the school encouraged me to take Prozac as prescribed by the school's doctor. My parents heard about this, and blew their top. Unsurprising that to be honest, considering, here I was 150 miles away, being told to take this drug, without my parents' consent. If that happened nowadays, you could imagine the uproar!
I took the prozac eventually, without my parents, knowing about it, having hid it away, taking it every now and again, just to perk me up while at school and at home, particularly if I was being bullied at the time. I can't remember much of the time after that, it is a bit of a blur. So although I was feeling OK, it was a sort of falsehood.
I continued to take Prozac on and off, though I haven't taken it for some three or four years, as I have had to tackle my weight, in an very aggressive manner, including taking laxtives, which people have caught me taking on more than one occasion.
I can be really up and at you, one moment, but the next moment, I can become very depressed, very quickly. This used to happen an awful lot at clubs, it would come to that point of the night when everyone would've found someone to have a good time with, and there's me on my own, getting more and more depressed. In the end I would get into an taxi, get home, watch some x-rated filth and comfort eat.
And that's where the Vicious circle came into it's own. Because I was down, I would rarely go out unless asked, and even then, they were getting fed up with me being so down, to the point that for a period in the last year, they didn't want to know me. Sad but true unfortunately. When I wasn't heading out, I'd be at home next to the microwave tucking into some cancer-inducing Curry or Spag Bol, and then the weight would creep back on. Not Good.
We've begun going to the Gym, but it's not going to be easy. I have days when I eat for fun, and other days when I'm not eating at all, while in the process taking the laxatives and various other tablets to get me back down to my fighting weight. And when I'm not doing well on that side of it, that's when I get depressed, I lose on both fronts.
Oh well only another four stone to go...
Rob :)


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